I feel like being in my late 30s is oddly disadvantageous. Because you’re not, like, old old. But you are the oldest in the Young Category. If I was 41, it would be like, “Wow, he must be in his prime. He's the youngest in the Old Category.”

I feel like I'm learning again because the landscape has changed. Back then, I didn't have to rely on social media at all. Word of mouth was very strong, and there was interest in the scene. Today, stand-up comedy clips are the norm online. So, the industry has changed, to the point where the old guards are struggling also.

When it comes to the act of writing a show and performing a show, I am experienced. But there are things where I'm totally a newbie. For example, marketing a show on social media. I learned a lot from my friend Ming Yue, who is a veteran in the social media scene, but newer in stand-up comedy. I think that’s why we could form a very nice relationship.

I think my younger self would think, “Hey, this is pretty cool.” That's a good sign, right? Because I've lived pretty much my entire life, just doing this.

As a kid, I didn't know about stand-up comedy. I just wanted to perform. I think that is why, even from the start, I was different from my peers, because they went into this to pursue comedy. I went into stand-up comedy because it gave me a chance to be on stage and perform something.

I still want the chance and freedom to collaborate on different things. Recently, when I was in London, I was so envious, because that is the norm there: different comedians work with different people and do different interesting things.

I like making work that also has room for the audience to add their own narrative too. To have their own conversations.

I started comedy very young. By 2014, I didn’t just want to stay within the stand-up comedy circle, I wanted to express myself however I could. That was the year I did adverts for Smirnoff Ice, and I ran the alternative stage at Urbanscapes, which doubled as an experiential fictional country.

I go where my curiosity takes me. I pursued advertising for a while because I really am interested in it. It’s what I studied. It didn’t change my comedy style, but it changed the way I approached the job. Sometimes, there's not much to gain from tinkering and perfecting something. In the corporate world, you sometimes just have to do it and move on.

What changed my comedy style? Depression. It was around 2013, 2014. I met a girl and that relationship severely traumatised me. After that, I guess I was burnt out. I became very reclusive. For the next four years, I was depressed.

In hindsight, what changed was that I learned to embrace long narratives. I was taking longer to say something, because I would feel the need to explain how I feel. But I still needed to do shows to survive, right? So I would just write, and write, and write. And the bits became longer, and longer, and longer. But I could tell I was improving in my ability to tell a story. 

I don't think depression is an “on and off” thing. I think it's just something you learn to manage. It requires you to be honest. Like, “You see this. So are you gonna do something or not?”

I was doing the same thing every day: stay home, play games, watch shows. So, I was like, “Okay, I'm gonna try something different.” I thought to myself, maybe I'll learn music. So I bought a guitar. And I just started learning how to play chords. Just the act of doing that—being able to play something even if it may not be good—told me that I still have the capacity to learn.

Then it just snowballed, because I told myself, “You know what, I'm just gonna say yes to everything now.” And that week, I messaged my high school friends to ask if I could join them for futsal. Then I ended up in spin class. Then I wrote one of my favourite jokes to tell. I have forgotten how to play any chords today, and that doesn't matter.

I pretty much ended up rewriting my whole show, Like This, Like Dad. I started to realise that I'm very close to the age that my dad was when he had me. There are only two male Kuahs left. And it made me wonder: does it matter?

It started off with the idea of leaving a legacy, which I’ve heard my guy friends talk about and I don’t understand. Do we want more Kuahs? I mean, I have gout and low self-esteem. I don't know if it's worth it.

I first wrote the show in 2013. When I compare both scripts, I can track that I'm a much better writer today than I was back then. Previously, the script was very linear. This time, I had more fun with the structure. 

Ultimately, it's still a story of dealing with grief. And the isolation that people feel, or kids feel, in growing up in a Chinese—or a more Asian—family, when things are not verbally expressed all the time.

I think relationships in Asian families are nuanced, but you don’t learn to read the nuances until you’re much older.

I think my mom deserves so much credit for raising the family.

When I’m an old man, I hope I will remember to be silly. I wouldn't want to be old, and then tell myself, “Okay, you're gonna behave like an old man now.” I wanna still be silly.

Not only am I learning how to be a comedian again. I'm also learning how to be a person again. By that, I mean, I've become open to the idea of dating. And it's been rough. I spent so many years just being in my own head, and telling myself to just focus on the comedy stuff. But I am enjoying the experience again, even though it hurts. 

It's weird to say, but it's like I get to experience some life, versus staying away from life. And I think the better thing to do is just to experience life. That's also how you build resilience. Well, I hope so.

Kuah Jenhan is a comedian who has sold out shows around Malaysia, Singapore, Hong Kong and Australia. He’s also an award-winning creative director and a regular on the hit podcast You Might Wanna Sit Down For This. 

He will appear on the televised Asian Allstars Gala (Melbourne Comedy Festival) on 4 April. He is performing Like This, Like Dad (still) at Melbourne International Comedy Festival from 7–19 April, and at Sydney Comedy Festival from 30 April–1 May.